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Female Performer Chat: The Great Paparazzi Thread

Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/25/15 @ 1:12pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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*rustle rustle*

*rustle rustle*

Here's the world famous paparazzi for the Sun sneaking up on his latest quarry: a new celebrity on the rise, a new star in the firmament, a dangling relationship compound with no known celebrity match at this time.

Virgin untracked snow. A last frontier.

He sets down his digital high speed SLR with the "xoom into her kitchen" lens. And waits in the gathering darkness of this promising purple twilight. His teeth set in a grim line of determination. His eyes alive and scanning right and left for the signs... the signs of celebrity.

Has he come to the right place? All his instincts say: yes... absolutely.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/25/15 @ 5:34pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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Politicians may make a muddle of things... confusing great gaggles of people with inverted priorities. But any thinking person can see that western civilization is based upon a few simple things:

1) The precious nature of life. Trumping all other priorities. The first thing to protect, the last thing to squander.

2) The rights of the individual over the good of the state. Derived from which is the idea that governments may be judged as good or evil depending upon whether they protect these rights.

From these two axioms flow the remainder of the humanist philosophy by the simple application of Reason. From the better lives of individuals of all stripes may we judge our advancement, our civilization.

The paparazzi too understood these things. And with his lens fought his battle for all that is good and all that is right.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/26/15 @ 12:05am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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A man does not spend his time or his money on frivolous things. His time on Earth is limited. He is reminded of this constantly. By the death he sees around him, by the suffering, by the slow degradation of his own body with time. He forces through the pain, builds up with discipline, and forges his legacy as the sweat pours down his brow.

So too the paparazzi worked... with a reverence, a ceremony. The new technology made his job easier it is true. But his ancestors would have recognized all that he did and smiled in approval.

Everything was chosen so carefully. His subject. His attire. His array of gadgets. The gods of the camera smiled as they looked down on high. Here was one who still followed the Way.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/27/15 @ 12:52am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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He recalled with a shudder his most disturbing photo discovery. That was the main hazard of his profession, not dogs or flying f1sts. No, the danger was uncovering a dangerous truth.

Angel Dark... he was the one who discovered the horrible truth. The woman behind the mask. Until his expose in the Sun she was one of the most beloved stars in existence. Her ability to couple a light innocence with a sexy payload meant overnight success and a long happy career. But it was all fabrication.

No one believed it when he showed beyond a doubt, in the detailed, impartial manner that characterizes all of the Sun's articles... when he showed that she was in fact a ruthless Carpathian tyrant... slowly buying up castles all over Europe and filling them with icy presences. Evil. Pure unadulterated evil of the kind only found in our dimension. With a plan for world domination that no doubt would have succeeded if not for his heroic meddling.

Oh they believed when he caught a flash of her epic wrath on film. Then they could believe what he reported was going on deep in her dark dungeons. They could see that beauty can mask the worst cruelty.

How many brave men would have to die to defang the great trap she had already partially set in place? A legion to be sure but far less than if they had waited for the telltale smoke from burning caldrons from Carpathian strongholds, belching poisonous fumes into the tortured air above her keeps, a sign in the heavens that doom was upon us all.

But no... good souls in this fragile existence... the paparazzi was there to protect you from the evil.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/27/15 @ 11:16pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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But a soldier with a camera... a crusader with a flash... expects a long, narrow road fraught with hardship and danger.

Once while photographing great butts of Brazil, a short time gig while he was between rags, he was nearly ruined by Sherri the ruthless con artist. She used her hips to waggle a little misdirection while her gang of stoolies ransacked his place. He surprised them only half way through the job when he returned unexpectedly to pick up his pet rock. They gave him a brutal beating but thankfully didn't take his stash of photographic tools... the thing keeping him afloat in this cruel world.

When he confronted her later about it, the wily wil o whisp passed through his clutches leaving him holding only a strand of fine brunette hair and a lot of heartache.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/29/15 @ 12:09am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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Yep things definitely had gotten better since he learned to keep them on the other side of the lens. He only spent money on woolie covers for his glass buddies and not for bad booze or fast women. The only purr in his bedroom was his zoom lens playing in and out as he greased her.

Quiet. That is what a man needs to work his machine. The SLR whirred and hummed quietly as he took a series of lead-in shots of the celeb's back porch. It was a pretty humble affair. But the locale was exotic as hell. Sweat poured down his face and chest, tropical heat taking its toll. His ears were quite aware of the waves crashing into a breakwater reef far to his rear. They'd look unusually white, their tops, in this violet dusk light.

He could hear her moving around inside. The faint blare of music through stucco walls. An occasional glimpse of curly brunette hair through the cracks in the window blinds. His nostrils flared as do all the predators right before the moment of truth.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/31/15 @ 11:05pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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Editor: Damn it we need circulation! Circulation! Do any of you morons know what circulation is?

Abe: Yes boss. Of course boss. We're on it.

Joe: We've got our best man on her perimeter now. Our best... man!

Editor: Who? No don't tell me. Don't tell me. I don't want to know which idiot my future rides on. Damn! Blast and damn!

Fred: Boss boss! If we don't decide soon on page one we'll be losing millions! Millions per hour!

Bob: Boss! Do we break the mafia is aliens story?

Morty: Boss! Boss! We're set for the pay out. Do you still want the information on Poppin's lover? Last chance to pull out. Or are you ready to make him sorry he didn't?

Editor: Shut up... SHUT up... SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!!!!!

All: Yes boss. Shutting up.

Editor: (hissing) Idiots. Nothing but idiots. Damn it!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/1/15 @ 1:14am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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Galadriel: *pant pant pant* Oh man I am sooooo wiped out.

Elrond: Relax milady. He has retreated to the East. I will nurse you back to health, personally.

Saruman: Excellent idea, excellent idea. I will take care of Him. Take her to Rivendell and heal her.

*flames burst out of the hulking fortress wreck. there is a hiss. the burning eye appears*

Sauron: *hissssssssssssssssss*

Nazgul Wraiths: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Sauron: Nine lords return. One Mind commands them. The Age of the Orcs is coming.

Saruman: Oh my lord. *drops to his knees*

Elrond: Oh for the love of ...

Galadrial: *Rising up magnificent exuding enormous power* I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU ONCE TO BEGONE FOUL DEMON! YOU STILL HAVE NO POWER HERE. WE WILL PURSUE YOU TO YOUR LAST REFUGE AND SMITE YOU FROM EXISTENCE WITHOUT DELAY! NOW BEGONE!!!!

* A blast of white light pours out of her ring and space itself screams in terror*

Sauron: Shit! That's right. *vanishes into the east*

Ring wraiths: *dissolving into the light* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee.... *poof*

Galadrial: *gasping* Someone get me a Redbull.

Elrond: Ok now let's get out of here.

Saruman: *quickly getting up, looking around guiltily* Yes yes we sure showed Him! Again, leave that pathetic remnant to me. I'll dash him to pieces when I corner him in whatever hovel he holes up in.

*click click* And like that the scene was recorded by an early ancestor of the paparazzi. He didn't quite catch Sauron or the wraiths, but he got some good cleavage of Galadrial as she was ushered away by Elrond.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/3/15 @ 3:44am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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Oh you ignorant dogs, you rudderless ships... don't you see the thread of this age running through every story?

How different our noble paparazzi would look to the Siouz warrior. Have you forgotten the custom, you slurpee guzzling spoiled relic of braver ancestors, the custom of counting coup?

A warrior wishing to show his bravery would slip up close to his enemy and then touch him, or do some similar harmless act, and then escape if he could. He didn't harm his foe. He didn't use weapons. He merely got within striking distance and did something that could be shown later to show his lack of fear. The Sioux knew the difference between k1lling and courage.

The paparazzi is like that warrior. He carries nothing to protect him from f1sts or guns or dogs or tazers. His camera is his coup stick. The thing that records his cleverness and courage to come so near the enemy and get away. Only he never takes life. Never carries a weapon. To the Sioux he would have been strange and wonderful.

Oh how morally twisted we have become to cast scorn on our brave coup counting warriors. Oh how shameful and unfair we are casting more rain on a life made difficult by unreasonable editors, snide customer service reps, out of control k1ds and dogs. Where is the love? Where is the honor? Are we cold technology inhaling monsters? Is nothing sacred to us?

The next time you see a paparazzi offer him a cool drink, or some shade under an umbrella on a rainy day. He'd do it for you if the case were reversed. And you celebrities out there... walk a mile in his shoes before you start complaining of his intrusions. Grab yourself a coup stick and twack him one and then tell your buddies the tale in the bar afterwards.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/9/15 @ 12:40am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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Yes that Leopold fellow was the sidekick of the paparazzi. A great opera goer and as loyal as the day is long. Once he was confronted by an angry young star over a particularly aggressive "photo opportunity" and he offered this sage advice as his master hoofed it away:

Madamina, il catalogo e' questo
Delle belle che photo'd il padron mio;
un catalogo egli e' che ho fatt'io;
Osservate, leggete con me.
In Italia seicento e quaranta;
In Almagna duecento e trentuna;
Cento in Francia, in Turchia novantuna;
Ma in Ispagna son gia' mille e tre.
V'han fra queste contadine,
Cameriere, cittadine,
V'han contesse, baronesse,
Marchesine, principesse.
E v'han donne d'ogni grado,
D'ogni forma, d'ogni eta'.
Nella bionda egli ha l'usanza
Di lodar la gentilezza,
Nella bruna la costanza,
Nella bianca la dolcezza.
Vuol d'inverno la grassotta,
Vuol d'estate la magrotta;
E' la grande maestosa,
La piccina e ognor vezzosa,
Delle vecchie fa conquista
Pel piacer di porle in lista;
Sua passion predominante
E' la giovin principiante.
Non si picca- se sia ricca
Se sia brutta, se sia bella;
Purche' porti la gonella,
Voi sapete quel che fa.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/17/15 @ 1:39am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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Meanwhile, in the middle of the waving wheat filled steppes, another logical absolute was born. The Love Nazgul, deep in the Amazonian mist, screamed in rage at the moment the new absolute pushed its head into this world. But no evil thing could react fast enough to prevent it from lurching through the unharvested fields and veering like a primordial refrigerator into the bright bright blue sky.

This changes... everything.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/17/15 @ 2:09am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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The hurtling truth achieved interplanar velocity and left this universe for the zone between. Its brothers woke when it entered and danced about it.

It then rose up on its haunches and SNAP...

It broke the cord of constraint that controls the variability and synchronization between multiverses. It set them free.

A red light started to blink in Mountie Headquarters. Klaxons started to blare.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/18/15 @ 1:11am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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Banzai: World Watch 1 reports that the golden chord has been severed.

Perfect Tommy: Who did it? Xu? Shiva?

Banzai: No... It was a new... absolute.

Reno: What? I thought they were a complete posse.

Banzai: No. Earth herself gave birth to a new truth.

Ride: (entering late) Would somebody shut off the goddamned Klaxons.

Elder Ernie: Where have you been Mountie

Rawhide: He's been... meditating... with his new paduanita the last few days.

Hakita: Working on a new overthruster Ride?

Banzai: Hey! Hey! Guys! Focus! Remember... for every absolute there is a contradiction.

Ride: I don't deal in absolutes...

Banzai: You may have to... this time...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/20/15 @ 4:56am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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Truth... elusive... beguiling.

Many have sought her... some have declared her unknowable. Generation after generation picks up where the other has left off. A little more is revealed by the labor.

Every age adopts some new method. A flaw in assumptions falls away like foggy lenses before straining eyes.

Some advocated the camera and other instruments. They sought to record reality in stark cold light. Not allowing any softening. Not introducing any effects... not deliberately. And yet their... creations... though captivating, sometimes, those creations just are not real.

The philosopher literally introduced mathematical operators and tried to strip off the cloak of language. New fruit was harvested but again... the creation was not real.

The paparazzi... older.. jaded... yet with mind alive and playful... this odd character in the play held the key for the next generation's... this Age's new... grand... Method.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/22/15 @ 1:18pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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Excerpt from the ancient but frequently updated Crimsoniliad...

At the first, in Newdar, there were many varied things.

Then spake the First Absolute with thunder and lightning. Many things that were ceased to be. Newdar turned from crimson to gold.

Life continued quietly for a time...

But then open'd the heavens and hail beat down in tentacling splendor. And spake verily the Second Absolute with deep conviction. More things that were ceased to be. Newdar turned from gold to gray.

But this gray world lived and loved, prospered and thrived.

Till the Third Absolute, with much authority and cosmic timing, let its voice fill all the reaches with boiling words of bl00d truth. Yet more things that were ceased to be. Newdar turned from gray to deep slate that day.

And in this slate gone world life continued apace. Quieter. Colder. With more slither.

Until just now. Roiling the clouds with indignant wake... the Fourth Absolute came and drove all black as any lightless place has been. We don't know how many creatures move in that night. Or how they are doing. Newdar's light has gone out forever.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/27/15 @ 10:50pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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The birth of an Absolute, the severing of the cord... these spawned a number of realizations.

The most immediately obvious was the ending of all sexual reproduction in all universes but one. This occurred because the One Sperm that travels so fast that it appears to be many became trapped in one universe. In all other universes no sperm existed anymore.

In the one universe the birth rate naturally increased greatly. And women all over reported feeling extra squirmy after sex.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/28/15 @ 12:37pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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The paparazzi tensed... This was the moment of truth. His quarry was finally, after what would seem an eternity to a rookie, finally about to step out of her refuge and into the open. All of his being condensed into a singular point, a focus so tight that no atom could survive the packing.

But then he felt a strong hand on his shoulder.

"Come paparazzi... There is more important work for you to do." said a deep voice that demanded instant obedience.

Being a veteran of this vale of tears, the paparazzi instinctively obeyed, knowing without having to be told that there were no appropriate words. Of course he also saw the man who summoned him, came across the world to pull him away, and recognized him. Who wouldn't recognize the chiseled, scarred features, the battered wide brimmed hat, the deadly green eyes.

And now began the process by which Earth's champion would be made aware of his destiny, be trained in warfare against Absolutes, even learning what Absolutes are and take his rightful place in the pantheon of heroes.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/30/15 @ 11:31am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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Meanwhile the quarry that the paparazzi had stalked for so long... but was saved by the paparazzi being pulled away... now she walked out into her back yard. Unaware of how narrowly she had escaped.

She was a little drunk. And her meds were not playing well into that mix. Her top was off, her bottom was askew. She slunk down into a lawn chair and began masturbating herself with well trimmed fingers. It wasn't long before her moans caught the attention of an alert neighbor. Soon there were two bodies grappling and groaning in the twilight haze. An affair of the primal moment.

Somewhere the ghost of an editor screamed in horror as this universe lost forever page after page of tawdry photos. A boyfriend, hours away on a business trip, slept and woke later in oblivious security in his star clad romance. Parents dined and went to bed sure that this day was as quiet and peaceful as any other.

The paparazzi began his training. His life changing forever. Never again to pick up lens for editor. Never again to hunt this type of quarry.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/2/15 @ 1:55am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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I must say that it gives me quite a lift to have dispatched with the sordid bit of this tale. I have spent far too much time down in the muck, mired in the petty concerns of the small-minded. Cheapened by the rat race, in thrall to short-sighted agents of various kinds, beset by a pack of dim bosses.

Have spent far too much time being disappointed by the weaknesses of our species. Languishing in the lurid tales of bile sodden rags governed by spittle shooting editors with lots of bl00d pounding in their gin filled veins but without a drop of true passion. In back alleys where talk of decency draws only wry smiles, charity... a knowing wink, and warmth is exchanged so quickly for sick feverishness.

Yes I can feel myself ascending into the quiet, pure, reaches between planes. Known only to gods and heroes. The cord of the multiverses, though broken, still beats out a melody that can be faintly heard here. Even in the supposed emptiness one can catch whiffs of Glory, of Virtue. The echoes of colossal struggles for wondrous glories still jangle brassily in the medium-lacking void. Virility. Fertility. The strength of the universes that one sometimes senses when Nature smiles in the unexpected moment.

Mankind... the gods... the Absolutes... all beings... climb upwards to a destiny. The tale that we spin, in all its threads, is a marvel that rivals Creation itself.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/5/15 @ 1:10am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,271

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paparazzi: I can't do it? Why the fuck are you bothering me?

Ride: You must do it! I know you will do it! You are the only being in existence who can do it!

The paparazzi pulled himself together for another run through The Course. Ride flitted behind the scenes pulling levers that reset the traps, giving instructions to engineers for some adjustments to apparatus, and sending lackies scurrying off on related errands. The campaign must not stall on any front.

paparazzi: Why are you so worried about my physical condition? I thought we were going between planes?

Ride: (because it was a sincere question and no excuse for some rest) To travel there you must attain a certain state. Now if you please...

The paparazzi hurled himself once again into the course. Ride grinned as he did for it was clear that he was the one, the right man for the job. The Course was tailored for the paparazzi. It showed. His decision making as he moved at top speed through the traps and pop ups was flawless and had to be replayed later at slow speed to be evaluated by others. This range was very similar to those of the police that are used for training officer's reflexes and ID ability with their guns. Here there was no gun. Just a fast moving man having to dodge traps and ID situations correctly.

Why was the paparazzi so good? Physically he was primed. Expert hunter. Able to get a shot reliably that was open for the briefest of moments. Tough. Able to take physical knocks and be undeterred by distractions. Confident. Morally unassailable. Yes a paparazzi... bound by a code. If he weren't Ride would have nothing to work with. But so important, critical, was his deep, penetrating vision... his ability to see the reality of the situation, shorn of all distractions, his ability to see naked truth.

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